This week was filled with appointments, decisions, and rearranging of medications.

On Monday, I graduated from physical therapy after eight weeks! Wahoo! How pumped am I to stop paying to workout early in the morning on my day off? The answer: So pumped. Really, PT was an excellent experience, and I am excited that it helped minimize the pain in my back from coughing and daily living. In PT, the therapists and I started with aligning and stretching my shoulder blades to achieve better posture by opening up the chest. I was taught different exercises to strengthen the shoulder, arm, and chest muscles that hold a lot of tension from coughing with the help of weights, bands, and foam rolls. Lastly, we worked on cough technique to better engage my abdominal muscles and keep my back straight, instead of contracting and rounding the shoulders on every cough. (CFers- bend forward at the hip instead of the middle back when coughing. You will feel like a new person!)

PT was also a humbling experience to say the least. In the midst of the coughing, sweating, and soreness, I recognized how simple movements and mindfulness of body placement could ultimately heal an aliment I never thought mendable. I am so thankful for the therapists’ expertise and advice. It felt wonderful to treat an issue with positive results and therefore, gain a sense of control in a body that sometimes feels wildly out of my control. Plus, there is nothing more humbling than a high school gentleman watching you do “pelvic tilts” on an exercise ball. Yes, it looked just as provocative and cringeworthy as it sounds, but I could only laugh at the ridiculousness. All in all, I highly recommend physical therapy to all my cysters and fibros out there and to anyone who is suffering from daily pain with little relief.

On Wednesday, I headed to CF and CFRD (cystic fibrosis related diabetes) clinic with the wonderful company of my dear best friend and cousin, Cara. I told myself going in that I had no expectations as to what my PFT (pulmonary function test) or the plan of action would be. I have learned over the years to go into appointments with little expectation, that way I am able to focus on the positives of a bad appointment or celebrate the victories of a good appointment without feeling weighed down by disappointment. I knew I had been fighting a low-grade fever, increased cough, and fatigue (an on going problem for the past 5 months) but was unsure of what my doctor would say. My PFT was only down a bit- 65% and still one of the highest numbers I have seen in the last 12+ months. Those high numbers are very encouraging, and I still don’t believe this is reality when the respiratory therapist reads off the score as I catch my breath posttest.

The conversation between my doctor and I became increasingly complicated as we discussed my symptoms, life on Orkambi (a drug which targets the cause of CF), and the options available. In early December, I took myself off Orkambi for about a week (whoops) and realized how much better I felt without the drug. I had an inkling Orkambi was to blame for my level of fatigue, aches, tightness, and shortness of breath, even though the tests showed clinical improvements within my lungs. When Cara asked what I felt like, I told her, “Every morning, I wake up feeling like I lived another day in my sleep. There is no break in the fatigue.” Eventually, I was faced with a difficult decision: a) Stop Orkambi and risk losing lung function but feel better in the near future, or b) Continue Orkambi and keep my lung function but feel poorly as I do as a result of the side effects. What would you do if faced with this decision?

Ultimately, I felt stressed making this choice. I didn’t want to disappoint Peter or my family who felt an immense sense of hope as a result of Orkambi. I didn’t want to be the patient that discontinues a drug thousands of CF patients wish they had an opportunity to be on. More importantly, I didn’t want to risk the possibility of never gaining that lung function back. However, quality of life has always been my top priority, and we agreed that if I am not able to enjoy the benefits of Orkambi after five months because my days are overwhelming burdened by fatigue and aches, what’s the point? So, for the time being, Orkambi will be removed from my list of treatments and I’ll go without.

I do want to say how very thankful I am for the opportunity to take Orkambi for the past five months. It really is a fascinating (and ridiculously expensive) drug that allowed me to cough less, use less insulin, and obtain better lung function. I can’t believe we are at this point in the advancement of CF research, and it is a time filled with so much hope. My doctor ensured me that numerous innovative drugs are coming down the research pipeline, and one of those drugs may be the perfect fit for me in the future. For now, I can enjoy the days while I wait and know that I have tried all the options available to me with a peaceful heart. I am thankful for such a great and supportive care team who continually reminds me that how I feel is more important than a number on a screen.

Now, the goal is to “reset” my body to determine what my daily baseline looks like without the effects of the drug and after the help of IV antibiotics. I definitely didn’t expect to be on IVs again this soon since I last had them in October/November. With the fever, cough, and fatigue, they are warranted. Truthfully, I am relieved, though. I can’t wait to see who I am without the weight of Orkambi and with the help of IVs to nudge me towards a version of myself I almost forgot existed. Goodbye, fatigue and grumpiness!

So, here we go again- no Orkambi, on IVs, and working to feel the very best I can.
I am snuggled in my bed, and 2016 is certainly starting out with a bang.